{"id":8268,"date":"2018-01-30T14:05:59","date_gmt":"2018-01-30T22:05:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.howtopastel.com\/?p=8268"},"modified":"2022-01-06T18:23:34","modified_gmt":"2022-01-07T02:23:34","slug":"grief-and-art","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.howtopastel.com\/2018\/01\/grief-and-art\/","title":{"rendered":"Grief And Art – Using Art-Making To Deal With My Sadness And Anger"},"content":{"rendered":"

WARNING: This is a very personal blog post. In it,\u00a0grief and art come together.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I was shocked and stunned: I found out that Ray Dorge, my former life partner of 25 years, had died. Even though Ray and I separated 10 years ago (by my instigation), we kept in touch with the odd email. As much as I wanted a closer connection, Ray said he wanted to keep me at arm\u2019s length. He said it hurt too much to\u00a0spend time with me. I respected his wishes even though it saddened me that we rarely got together to catch up on our lives nevermind recall shared memories. I kept meaning to push him on it but I never did.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And now it\u2019s too late. Ray died of aggressive brain cancer on 14th December 2017. Yet I only just heard this very sad news yesterday and only by accident. I find it very painful that no one thought to tell me of Ray\u2019s passing even if Ray himself didn\u2019t want to me to know of his condition while he was alive.<\/p>\n

Anyway, I now know. And I\u2019m deeply saddened. I can\u2019t seem to function that well. But rather than try to block or avoid the pain, today I turned to art. Grief and art. I had no plan other than to sink into the art-making process and just go where it took me.<\/p>\n

I picked up a piece of paper – Canson Mi-Teintes Touch paper. It\u2019s paper I rarely turn to. I felt that using it, especially a white sheet, would release me from craving a good outcome since I didn\u2019t really care how the painting looked in the end. It really was all about the process.<\/p>\n

I selected pastels in browns and greys, colours I rarely choose. These seemed appropriate to my purpose somehow. And in keeping with the dark rainy day outside.<\/p>\n

In my studio, the silence was crushing. At the same time, I decided against playing music I knew Ray would like, or any music that would further sink me into sadness. And so I chose randomly – Kaytranada’s album 99.9%<\/a> which turned out to be perfect. (And I’m listening to it as I write this post.)<\/p>\n

And now allow me to share my grief and art journey with you through a sequence of images.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
1. The beginning – dealing with the white paper. First: “It’s so fucking dark in here” (referring to my studio and to my internal emotions). Then rubbed that and wrote RAY over it all. And now I could start.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
2. Dark pastels marked on paper and rubbed in. No thought, only emotion.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
3. A light warm colour added<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
4. Mark-making – jabs of anger, swoops of sadness, and whispers of memories tenderly held.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
5. Symbols and asemic writing added. At this point I was just loading the paper with anything that bubbled up.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
6. Here, I rubbed out much of what I’d added.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
To show how much my hand was a part of this painting journey!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

At this point, I sat in my pondering chair and looked at the piece. What did it need? Although I had entered this experience as a process rather than an outcome, about combining grief and art,\u00a0my artist mind started to kick in and now was thinking about the design of the piece.<\/p>\n

It turned out that this was actually the best part of doing this journey of grief and art. I was later fascinated by the way my rational brain took over, thinking about balance, and values, and colour, and texture, about edge and dominance.<\/p>\n

But at the same time, I pondered meaning. How was I to make meaning from this essentially non-objective piece? And then out of nowhere came an image of grieving figures. So I surrendered and began adding them, changing the work towards a more representational image.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
7. And so the figures started appearing<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

And then what? Without warning, a memory of a painting by Anselm Kieffer at the Seattle Art Museum came to me. It’s a huge canvas of sunflowers towering over a prostrate man (see below for the painting). And I realized, yes, I wanted to add a horizontal figure, one that represented Ray in death.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
8. And a prone man appears<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
9. More work on the figures, rubbing, smudging, adding pastel<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
10. The same image in black and white. This helps me to see what the painting needs.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

A few tweaks done\u00a0and then that was it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
Gail Sibley, “Farewell (for Ray),” Great American and Mount Vision pastels on Canson Mi-Teintes Touch (white), 14 x 20 3\/4 in<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
Pastels used – Great American (neutrals and yellow) and Mount Vision (pinks and blue). Blue added as it was Ray’s favourite colour.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

This total immersion in the creative process was hugely therapeutic. It was as if the process offered a safe place to release the tensions of sadness and anger. It embraced me fully and gave me a conduit to express my feelings. It gave me a place, to speak and externalize my grieving.<\/p>\n

I know the roller coaster of emotions is far from ended with fragments of memories spearing me in my heart at unexpected moments, but with painting, I could sink into myself and what I was feeling. One thing I realized was that because I hadn’t been told of Ray’s death, I hadn’t been able to say goodbye to him. So this mixture of grief and art is my farewell, my closure, my acceptance of Ray’s passing.<\/p>\n

Goodbye Ray.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thank you for taking this grief and art journey with me. Healing really can begin with an expression of feelings through art. As always, I’m interested in your voice so please feel free to add your own experiences or how this post may have affected you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With deep thanks,<\/p>\n

~ Gail<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PS.<\/p>\n

Here’s the painting<\/a> by Anselm Kiefer:<\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
Anselm Kiefer, “Die Orden der Nacht (Orders of the Night),” 1996, acrylic, emulsion, and shellac on canvas, 140 x 182 1\/4 in, Seattle Art Museum<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

And the rainy, dark painting day!<\/p>\n

\"Grief<\/a>
View from my studio<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

WARNING: This is a very personal blog post. In it,\u00a0grief and art come together. Yesterday I was shocked and stunned: I found out that Ray Dorge, my former life partner of 25 years, had died. Even though Ray and I separated 10 years ago (by my instigation), we kept in touch with the odd email. 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